Mystery Post

Even to me. One of those night where I'm going to just ramble and see what springs to mind. (springs mind mindspring aol compuserve delphi oracle...nothing yet) I'm really sort of drawing a blank this evening. (sort draw blank evening morning sunrise daybreak...still nothing) Let's see, on my desk I have a fantasy novel (The Magic of Recluce), two forks, a sppon, a bowl (a late night snack of canned ravioli), an almost empty pack of smokes (yes, I know it's a horrible habit and a serious health concern), an almost full ashtray (ditto), jewel cases for Ultima Ascension, Scooby Doo Mystery of the Fun Park Phantom and Zeus, there bottles of medication, some cough syrup (from a really horrid cold I had about a month ago), a dish towel (I used it to carry up the ravioli), a musical snowglobe with a dragon inside (my brother gave it to me for Christmas and it play Ride of the Valkyries), a picture of my Mom, Dad and Brother (church directory photo from about 20 years ago), assorted software manuals, two video tapes (Predator and a blank), a matchbook (empty and no phone number, I have no clue why it's still sitting there), a penny (1980), a quarter (1969), a sky blue BIC lighter, and a napkin with some passwords scribbled on it. (Not necessarily in that order. Still nothing, except the thought that I badly need to clean my desk.)

I got a lot accomplished at work today, but I may still go in tomorrow for a couple hours to finish up a couple of odd items that are nagging at me. (Maybe I don't feel like writing because I wrote so many letters at work today.) I'm really tired this evening which is part of why I'm not feeling too quick witted. The cable (television) has also been out for 3 days so I'm not getting my normal influx of trash ideas to the subconscious from having it run in the background all evening. I almost never watch it anymore. It just runs as background noise so I'm not even sure why I pay for it. (Need to pay the phone bill soon.)

Well this going absolutely nowhere and Sammypug is already asleep so I think I'll just call it an early night and hit the hay. Just lock up when you leave. If you get bored and feel like cleaning, please, be my guest. Rest well. (I did finally think of something, but I'm going to write about it tomorrow. P.G.S. See if you can guess what it stands for before tomorrow evening. That should make at least one person come back. Catch you on the flip side.)

Long Night, Short Post

I have to start out by thanking Elonka (one of the folks I work with) for treating me to Arnie's new film, The Sixth Day. Not an Oscar winner, but very enjoyable and it's not the remake of Total Recall I had expected. A few cute lines, a couple of plot twists, and the helicopters are way cool.

I finally got my fanny over to Amazon to start creating a wish list. I threw a couple of big ticket items on it, but I'm mostly filling it up with a lot of little things that I can treat myself with, at my leisure. (The odds of winning your wish list are what, 3/4 of the planet's population to 1?) It somewhat reminded me of being a kid and agonizing over the endless choices in the Sear's Wish Book. (Although the Wish Book was certainly a whole lot easier to navigate. Why does Amazon feel we need to flip into our wish list with every item we add?) I found things I never expected them to have as well. Tannen's magic catalog of all things. (Tannen's is the premiere magic company in the U.S. Their store in New York City is a wonderland.) I thought I misread the entry at first.

I've always been fascinated with illusion. My grandfather (Ernie, my Mom's dad.) had a close friend who I guess you could call the family amateur magician. (Miss you Jeff and I still think about you 25 years later.) He used to make silver dollars dance across his finger as if they were liquid and then vanish without a trace. A moment later he'd pulled them from behind your head or snatch them back out of the pockets of air where he'd hidden them six inches from your face and I never once caught him. (I still have a hard time convincing myself it was only illusion. And why do I feel the need?) Some of the best close-up magic I've ever seen. Maybe the best. And I've seen one heck of a lot of illusionists.

I've always wondered, what if all the myths and fables weren't just that. What if the old magicians still walked among us performing oh so minor miracles daily? Or perhaps there's a magic gene. (Along with ones for telepathy, telekinesis, precognition and all the other rumored gifts.) What if you found you had such gift? What would you do with it? Have you ever tried? What if the only barrier between flights of fancy and levitation is not our strength of will, but our strength of disbelief?

Hope you look behind the curtain today and find the Wizard standing there. If you wish for it hard enough, maybe he'll let you be six years old again, for just a bit. (Abracadabra. ::poof::)

In Search of Woofoos

I really need to get on to creating a "What's a woofoo?" page for the site. I keep hoping some concise turn of wording will come to me in a flash of blinding inspiration. It ain't happening. One of my coworkers asked me for a definition today and I couldn't answer her. Sister Shabubu (My friend Babs. More on her later.) gave me her answer and it made perfect sense to me. (But then I'm just not quite right so that's not likely to do in of itself.) Speaking Woofish (Yes, that's what Woofoos speak.) to the general public, however, tends to draw a lot of blank stares or placating half-smiles. (...that rather make the wearer look as though they've just eaten a particularly poor deviled ham sammich that's been sitting in the sun for two hours. Or a lime jello mold with shredded carrots. Pick your poison.)

You know the look, you've felt it coming upon you unbidden while reading my posts. Personalities you can explain. States of being, well, you just have to experience them. (Although you can induce them. But once again, that's a story for another day.) And maybe the only way to actually explain is just to provide total emersion through the site. (Come Grasshopper, be the Woofoo.) Maybe no one will get it except me and Shabubu (Shu-boo-boo. It's later. Mwahahaha!) Maybe I'll end up as the leader of a cult. (Maybe I'll even scare Shabubu and she'll run screaming into an active volcano. Maybe someone will come and steal the parentheses off my keyboard.) Whatever comes of it and whereever it might lead, I'm having one hell of a lot of fun exploring.

When I heard people talking about keeping these web journals, I thought it was a bit goofy. When I was convinced that I should create a web site, I figured a journal was the last thing I would do. Yet here I am babbling night after night into the ether with no sign of slowing. (Run while you still can! Don't go into the light!) I'm not sure what I'm finding here that I've never found in a partner or a therapist. Maybe I'm finally finding myself.

Type at you tomorrow. Same woo time, same foo channel.

Question for Microsoft...

Why doesn't the message read, "Windows is restarting in its own sweet time, if it feels like it, maybe."?

Accessorizing Is Such A Chore

I spent the evening cleaning up the pages. No more vast wastelands of paging. Coordinated buttons. (I matched all the colors by eye with a tool at Boogie Jack's. Pretty spiffy, huh? Cool site too.) Improved navigations and missing link added to the magnetic poetry. Oh and a site banner too. Woohoo! (Almost looks like I know what I'm doing.) Tomorrow I'll probably get to the "What's a Woofoo?" page.

A thanks to Steph for the reminder of World AIDS Day, on December 1st and an invitation to participate in A Day With(out) Weblogs. I almost cried reading parts of the site. I have HIV and I've lost an incredible number of people in the past 20 years. So many that I tend to distance myself from people when things get too intimate. Less intimacy means less pain if you lose someone. It also means that you don't have as much opportunity to share in their joy and the celebration that each person's life can be. I've lost out on a couple of banquets in retrospect. (As an aside, I *have* met people who I'm extremely glad did not offer me an invite to their party. It amazes me how much enjoyment some people get out of being miserable. They actually take pride in it. Beats me.)

Time takes on a very different perspective as well when you live with a chronic and potentially fatal disease. (I honestly can't believe I'm babbling about this. I almost never discuss it. In fact, I try not to think about it.) You become extremely conscious of just how precious each day is and you kick yourself all the harder when you waste one. Some days I get very angry that I have to spend those priceless moments doing laundry or washing dishes or taking out the trash or filling the gas tank or grocery shopping or any of those million daily chores of living we have to do instead of living.

It's not like I'm going to kick off next week or anything. I'm on medication and I've been doing very well with it. But there are very clear signs that if they don't come up with a better treatment, that I will not live to a ripe old age. (And I really dislike being so fatalistic. But there's no point in living a fantasy either. Either extreme can kill you.) Colds are hitting harder and taking longer to shake. Cuts are more likely to get infected and be slow in healing. My body's recovery processes are defintely not working as efficiently as before. (God is this getting morbid and I'm not quite sure how to break out of the downward spin.....*went to get a sandwich here*.....Aha!)

But as unwell as I can feel some days for no definable reason, I retain my spirit. And even when I have the energy for nothing else, I try to find one thing to look at with childlike wonder. (Some of my friends would argue child-ish. It's a very fine line.) Blowing bubbles or coloring books with crayons or playing "Beat the Pug" with Sammy or reminiscing about good times with lost friends or thunderheads rolling across the sky from the West or snowflakes or Fall foliage or butterflies or sunset or sunrise and just knowing I've got another day....

Or maybe getting really lucky and showing another person how to appreciate that one day just a little bit more. Make it count folks, there ain't no makeup test.

Dog Tired

...and I am too. Sammypug's semi-asleep with his head on my foot, shifting occasionally to make sure I'm very aware that he'd be much more comfortable lying on my pillow. Last night exhausted me. I'm really getting too old to try and keep up with a 20 year old who wants to party. (I don't want to grow up, but my body is disagreeing vehemently. ::whine::)

I finally got up the courage to reread last night's post. It actually wasn't as horrid as I'd expected. (Oh, and if the asides in parentheses throw you, just skip over those sections. The sentences on either side *usually* connect just fine.) I was so tired when I was writing I only vaguely remembered the flow of what I'd written. (Actually I'm pretty much like that when I'm totally alert. Shhh, it'll be our little secret.) I was afraid I might have written something in particularly poor taste without even thinking twice. (I tend to do it verbally a bit too often.) But self control prevailed even through three screwdrivers and an extremely long day.

I spent the evening bopping around the web looking for some new things for the site. And I saw the broken link on the refrigerator magnet poetry. I'll fix it tomorrow when I do some graphics updates. I've been looking for some buttons and dividers that coordinate better with the individual pages. I'm resorting to creating most of them myself to get the color schemes right. I really dislike those blocky grey pushbuttons. I'm going to try and fix the scroll down so there's not vast fields of empty page as well. We'll see how far I get. (All this babble about the web page is really for me. I want to have a running record to see how long it takes me to put it together so I'm happy with it.)

I guess that's about as much as I feel like sharing tonight. I know, twice as much as you cared to hear anyhow. (I'm sure I scared people last night. C'est la vie. C'est moi. Comme ci, comme ca. Le pamplemousse. My favorite french word. It means grapefruit.) And those damned voices are back so I'd better get some rest. I hope Sammy behaves tomorrow. I had to take him home today because he kept having barking fits and being a general disruption at the office. I really hope he gets the idea that if he misbehaves, he goes home, quickly. He's no dummy, but he is a stubborn little cuss at times.

Rest well folks. (or Good Morning!)

And Now the Screaming Starts...

Friends, forgive me if I speak out of turn or out of mind. First you've probably noticed, if you keep watch of the other Mooville folks, that most post earlier in the day. I'm going to be dumping my mental garbage at night. First, because that's when I feel the need. Secondly, because I'm not a morning person in the least. I'd be ecstatic if the world commenced at 3PM. Unfortunately, for me, it starts at 11AM (paradise for some) which is about the best I expect I'm going to do outside of a factory job. (Remind me to tell you about the time I worked in a douche factory. But that's at least one post in of itself.)

So, back to the point, one of the downsides of posting in the early morning is that I'm overtired and sometimes I've been out to a bar/nightclub. (This sort of random babbling is generally going to happen on Bowling night. Yes capitol "B" - it's that big a part of my life. Come back on Tuesdays, it's likely to prove interesting.) And I usually don't have the presence of mind to just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. Then there's the added distraction of a pug that's been shut in the bathroom for several hours and wants every moment of my attention, scratching at my arm until he leaves marks. (Rarely will there be a post without some mention of Sammypug.) I truly hate shutting him in, but he's a chewer. Absolutely nothing in the house is safe if he's loose. I've been through three pillows, several socks, three shoes (two pairs), and a set of eyeglasses. (Why do we list them in order of decreasing numbers? The eyeglasses ticked me off royally. And why is a "royal" hissy fit worse than one by the common masses?)

So. Once again, back to the point. I went out with my friend, Danielle, tonight. She used to work with me. (Another story for another post. And probably several upcoming ones if our Monday outings continue.) She's also on my bowling team. Monday nights are a semi-regular event with us. We go to movie night at a bar in Saint Louis called Magnolia's. (Another reason Tuesdays are likely to hold more interesting posts. "More" is relative only to my own sensless babblings.) Tonight was Arnold Schwarzenegger night. (I had to look up the spelling. Am I too parenthetic? It represents the thoughts running second, third fourth, ad infintum level to the main stream because that's just how I think and I feel a need to explain everything I say as well as how it evolved. One of my problems with maintaining focus. Wonder if Ridlin would help.)

So, back to the main point for the last time, I promise. Even in his good films, Arnold is not a great actor. Just how did he become a Hollywood "player"? (This applies to any other not-a-chance-in-Hell-of-an-Oscar-for-Best-Actress/Actor movieland persona. I hope he proves me wrong. I'm cheering him on with every ticket and video purchase.) Is it our love of escapism that holds us? Is it purely physical? How did he make it past Conan? (Arnold specific.) Was it Maria Schriver's connections? (Arnold, I truly do love you even as a person versus a celebrity. I want to have your children. Let's talk.) And that's what actually got me here. (No, not having children. Maria Schriver and political connections and just how much have we have empowered our government.)

Hah! Tricked you into my own Election commentary! What I'd truly love to see at this point is a complete re-ballotting for the entire country. After everyone has shown the American public their true colors. I know what I think and what I'd vote with a second chance, but I don't want to muddy the waters with my opinions about which or how many of the participants I think is behaving like a complete moron and expecting the general public to be even more stupid. I'm quite thouroughly insulted at this point and anyone with a modicum of self-respect would be as well. I'm not saying I'd vote for either of the two primary parties at this point either. (I know it's not a viable possibility so I haven't really thought it out all the way, but I'm pretty sure I'd vote differently.) Additionally, I'm not betting the results would turn out any different. This Is Extremely Important: Never underestimate the stupidity of the average human being. I'm not the first person to say it and I'm more certain than anything, in my 38 years of life experience, that I won't be the last. This election has been and will be at least one point of proof.

If I've offended any average human beings, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be hurtful, I'm only trying to share "my" truth. (Disclaimer: "My" truth has nothing to do with any other Mooville resident. And bad kharma to any person who associates another Mooville resident's thoughts to me without me outright stating that I agree.)

Oh, and bowling was horrid. 'Nuff said on that

( I just reread that and corrected a couple of spelling errors, but that's exactly how it spewed. God have mercy on my parents. I never asked for consciousness, but you're stuck with it. Strike that, God have mercy on us all. 'Specially me.)

Mishmash of Mental Meandering

For some reason I can't get the archives working, so the LINKs are all going to produce errors. I'm probably too tired to see the obvious. As usual, I've gotten obsessed with a new project and been at this all day tweaking this and that. I really have to try and do something constructive around the house tomorrow. At least empty out the dishwasher.

Mondays always seem to be a wash because I generally stay up half the night on Sundays messing with the computer. And then I have bowling every Monday evening (league bowling) so I have to leave the house by 6PM to make it into the city by 7. I live out in Saint Charles, Missouri. It's usually about a half hour west of Saint Louis. But with the Christmas season coming upon us, it seems the rush hour traffic is already starting to get heavier. If the weather's poor, it can take an hour to get into the city.

Yes I know most of you (assuming anyone's reading this) could care less about by scheduling problems on bowling night. But that's where my mind is wandering and what I feel like babbling about, so that's what you get. A bunch of folks from work chipped in on a bowling ball and bag for my birthday. It caught me totally by surprise. And it's vastly improving my game.

I'm not sure why I was so stunned, knowing these folks. One of these rambles I'll talk about the place where I work a bit and the atmosphere of camraderie in general. It's an extremely unusal work environment. And I probably have one of the strangest jobs ever created. At the most basic level, teenagers (usually male) send me vulgar e-mail and I tell them they can't do that. There's more to it than that, of course, but it pretty much boils down to being sworn at on a daily basis. Some of the suggestions are rather creative even if they aren't slightly plausible. It takes more explanation than I feel like going into on my day off. I'll probably rant about it after a particularly rough day.

Sammy and I did manage to squeeze in a game of "Beat the Pug". (Don't look at me like that, just read the previous post before you call the NSPCA.) I don't think I've mentioned I have a full-fledged pug fetish. (And don't look at me that way either.) They're just a great breed. Big dog attitude in a lap dog package. And one hell of a lot smarter than most of the small breeds I've experienced. Faithful beyond belief. (I warned you it was a fetish.) There'll be more pug babble coming and I'll have to put up a page on them or Sammy will never let me have any peace. Sweet dreams and Sammypugs to all.

Form from Ether(net)

I keep plugging at the site and it's starting to take on a form. I can't really visualize where it's going, but at least it's not turning into some shapeless morass. Today's been rainy and sleepy and the Sammypug is a little wound up because he wants to play but he doesn't like to play outside in the drizzle and I'm too drowsy for a game of "Beat the Pug".

Before the animal lovers go up in arms, that's what we call roughhousing. I chase him, he chases me. I claw my hand and walk it across the floor while he pretends it's some bizarre creature to stalk. It's a lot of fun, but exhausting. I have no idea how an animal that small can store so much energy. And I'm no slouch with random fits of exuberance.

The HTML lessons are coming along. I'm getting a feel for the syntax structure finally. Starting to pick up a bit of java as well. Oh, and I created a new mailing address specifically for the site, so drop a note if the mood strikes. Enough for now, I'm going back to researching. Have a great day all.