World Without End

(Disclaimer: Tonight's topic has nothing to do with yesterday's, so pleased don't be concerned that I'm in a state of manic depression. It was triggered by a note from Steph regarding the unusual happenings in our home. And fair warning, this is a wierd one and if you're of strong orthydox Christian beliefs, you probably won't like it.)

I've never been strong on the concept of an all-powerful sentient being that watches over us in our daily lives. It's alway seemed to me that an entity of that scope has better things to do in the grand scheme of the universe than to guard over the life of any particular being on a tiny water-based planet in the backwaters of the Milky Way. Now before you start screaming "Blasphemer!", I do believe in a higher power, just not the Christian concept I was raised with. But I need to step back and explain my thoughts on the afterlife first.

It's a law of physics that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change form. I believe that little spark of energy that makes us more than just a walking bunch of chemical reactions (our soul if that's a more comfortable term), can not be destroyed simply because the vessel that houses it ceases to function. That life force must go somewhere and my belief is that it takes on a new form. The near death experiences that so many people have recorded is simply a misinterpretation of a quick glimpse into another plane. They have looked through the doorway to another existence as real and as tangible as our own. It lies parallel to, if not overlapping, this existence. I think that tunnel of light that they've viewed is the momentary insight to comprehend all of time as a whole.

How many times have we heard the expression, "My life flashed before my eyes." I feel it's much more than an expression. That flash is an instant of vision into our basest existence throughout eternity. I'll never forget a car accident that my mother and I once had. We were coming down a hill on a curve and hit a patch of black ice. For those unfamiliar with the term, it's a sheer slick patch of ice that looks like water on the road. The car spun out of control and although we only traveled a matter of thirty feet at the outside, it seemed to take an eternity. We actually had a brief conversation in the time between hitting the ice and hitting the barrier to one side of the road. Other cars has been caught before us and there were people standing in the road beside their vehicles. I swear to this day that as they saw us lose control, they literally blurred and ran at quarter speed away from our car, like a film played in slow motion. For the few seconds that we were spinning, primal fear cracked the seal on that doorway and for a moment time extended like a fourth-dimensional corridor through the three-dimensional world around us.

Most folks will say it's hogwash. "Your perceptions were simply skewed by the movement in a moment of extreme stress." I know what I saw. No one will convince me otherwise. And I've seen it since, in instance such as when I've been caught off guard dropping a glass and it seems to hit the floor in slow motion. The slight change in time sense. It's a perception we tap into naturally, reflexively, instinctively. And it's noticeable, if you're open to accepting it as another law of natural order.

So back to the point. My belief is that death is like stepping through a doorway into a plane of existence that has at least one additional dimension. That of time. It's the reason that spirits may haunt a place for centuries. Ghosts are simply life energies that for some reason were unable to step completely across the threshhold. Maybe they were caught off guard, perhaps their minds were simply unable to comprehend the entirety of that vista laid out before them, or it could be they had some tie to this plane that made them fight the crossing. Possibly some spirits are deliberately trying to cross back into this life out of curiosity, much like mediums of our plane try to step into theirs.

So my concept of a higher power is this vast network of sentient life forces that collect at times as a cohesive force to touch this reality and manipulate it ever so slightly. Sometimes at our request, if we're able to communicate the thought cohesively with enough force of will to cross the barrier. Other times they may step in of their own accord for reasons that are likely incomprehensible to us. Sure it's all a bunch of conjecture. But it's a world view that works for me. And there are nice little pockets in my interpretation for ghosts and angels, coincidences and miracles, near death experiences, psychic ability, blind luck and reincarnation, along with just about any other phenomena that modern science can't explain. I'm convinced that there are just some rules of the multiverse that are not measurable with a ruler, scales or stopwatch. Some things you have to accept on blind faith. There is an existence beyond this one and it exists beyond reason.

On Second Thought...

Read the previous post first or this won't make much sense.

I just went out to the car to get my medicine. I've been keeping it there so I always have it with me. No excuses about leaving it at home if I end up staying out for the night. Well the current round of prescriptions is almost gone and I brought the bottles inside so I'd remember to call the pharmacy. So I'm just kind of looking at the expiration dates on the bottles and thinking maybe I got a bad set of meds, because I'd been doing incredibly well on them at first. And then I notice one of the labels says "Store at 25C (77F); excursions permitted to 15-30C (59-86F)." And then under the pharmacy label of the second I make out "Store at room temperature." And the third one also says something about storage temperature that I can't make out. And here I have been doing the stupidest thing in the world and not reading the directions on prescribed meds and keeping them out in freezing temperatures. I've got to call the doctor tomorrow and see if that might account for the change. Maybe it's something just that simple. Cross your fingers.

Shades of Blue

I just finished washed an extremely funny comedian on HBO, Eddy Izzard. If you have a chance to catch this guy, he's an absolute screm. Thank you Eric. (My roommate told me about the show.) If ever I needed a day to end with a bellylaugh. I got some disturbing news today. My medications seem to have gone on holiday and forgotten to inform me. My doctor called me at work and started the conversation with, "When did you stop taking your meds?" I said, "I haven't." He said, "Then we have a problem." My counts are down to 230 and my viral load is up to 150,000. It's not horrendous, but it's very, very not good. So Monday I need to go to the hospital and have some more tests done. I'm a little nervous because that's the worst my numbers have been in somewhere about fifteen years of being HIV positive. I'm trying not to get too stressed over it.

My date with Matt didn't happen as I'd hoped today. He had something else come up and he's got a business meeting tomorrow evening, but he called me earlier tonight and we set a definite time for Friday evening. He said something about going to a movie as well, so that should be fun. Maybe I can talk him into hitting one of the clubs afterward. (The Mississippi River is the border between Missouri and Illinois. And just over the bridge in East Saint Louis (Which is in Illinois. Beats me how a different state ended up with a suburb of Missouri's capitol.) there are several all night clubs. I mean til somewhere around 8AM. He lives just the Missouri side of the river.) The riverboat casinos would be fun as another option, but I don't have that much expendable cash this week.

If you're feeling a bit cheated by tonight's posting, I'm going to offer a couple of older entries from the archives. I was poking about last night and suprised myself. It was interesting to read my notes about the creation of the website and reread some of the topics I discussed. (It also gave me a lot of ideas about things I'd promised to talk about and features I'd thought about adding to the website.) And I'm sorry if it comes off egotistical, but I'm not a bad writer. (I think I may put the posts about HIV in a separate collection.) I looked over some of the old stuff and couldn't believe that it actually came out of me. Here's one that kind of fits my mood tonight. And here's another that finshes up with a bit more promise.

We apologize for the technical difficulties and the Happy Woofoo Hour will resume at it's regularly scheduled time tomorrow. Rest well all.

Ramblings

I'm actually actually about written out tonight. (The crowd heaves a sigh of collective relief.) I did need to stop in and make a public apology to Melissa for mistaking her for Bruce. (Bruce has cuter knees. Sorry, Melissa.) You see Bruce is "the" Goober. Melissa's email address has goober in it. She dropped me an email and I didn't read the header that says quite clearly Melissa. The sentiment expressed in mty response was sincere, regardless of who wrote the note, but I called her "big guy" in the closing. If I'd just signed it Hugs, Johnny or some such, she never would have known. (Thank God I didn't send her the last note to Bruce. ::blanches:: The tag line on that one was a beaut.)

I need to preen for a moment. I finished my last game of bowling yesterday evening with a (drumroll please...) 181. Yes, I'm definitely improving. (We'll pretend the second game never happened. ::cough::) I can almost believe a 200 game is possible. I'm still kind of dazed by the fact that we actually beat the third place team, getting five points out of seven. In three weeks our team has gone from 22nd place to 14th. Next week is placement week for the second third of the season so keep your fingers crossed. (Placements determine prize money at the end of the season.)

I'm fairly certain I'll be going out to dinner with Matt tomorrow. I hope it works out as we've been playing phone tag for days. He's tried to find the bowling alley two weeks in a row to come see me play. Last week he went to the alley that is now a phramacy. (I actually think someone said it's been gone for two years.) This week, after I vaguely explained where it was, he said he's be dropping in about 9:30. (We have a communication problem with directions. He knows all the street names. I know all the landmarks. Our conversations about driving directions are actually pretty funny, and frustrating for both of us.) Well we finished up about 9:30 so I hung around figuring he was having trouble finding the place. At 10:00 I finally decided he was hanging out at our favorite watering hole and got distracted. Since it's not too far from the highway I take home anyhow, I figure I'll swing by and see if he's there. No Matt. So I head back home and on the answering machine is a message from Matt, grousing about the lanes being in the middle of nowhere, saying he got there at 10:05. I have now vowed to get MapQuest directions for anyplace we're going to meet.

He called today and told me he'd take me to dinner and that he's free tomorrow, so I'm planning on meeting him at the video bar and we'll just go from there. (I wish it was motorcycle weather. He's got an awesome bike. I love sunset rides.) He's really been wonderful about keeping up with what's happening when we do have these near misses so I'm not feeling like I was blown off. That's one of my pet peeves. When a person says they're going to be somewhere at a certain time, I understand that things can come up. But unless it's a true emergency, it's not that big a hassle to drop a dime and let whomever is waiting for them know what happened. (Chronically late is another one that gets on my nerves. Set your damned clock back.)

Glancing up, I guess I wasn't as written out as I'd thought. Probably more dating update tomorrow. Have a great day!

Please Inform Sammy...

that he is a dog. I seriously believe he's operating under the misconception that the word "pug" means "furry demi-human". And I'm not too certain how to inform him he's mistaken without bruising his ego. I thought about enrolling him in obedience school, although I'm doubtful it would be useful for training. (He's not stupid, just stubborn. It's amazing how many pet owners have personalities similar to their wards.) But I expect the socialization with others of his species might help reorient his self image. I think he's actually afraid of other dogs when they get within about ten feet of him. Outside of that range, he'd go off on a Great Dane. He's oblivious that German Shepherds have calls of nature twice his size.

Overall, Sam is a great animal. But there are a few points of contention between us regarding what we each consider acceptable behavior. While I appreciate that a burgler will never get into our house without me hearing about it from Samuel, he takes his duties as a protector too seriously. I've mentioned that he goes to work with me everyday. And for the most part, I think the folks at work enjoy having him there. (The term "pug break" has become a part of our corporate culture.) However, his barking is an issue. All of the entrances to our offices have a security alert that goes off when you open a door. I'm still unsure how he figures it out whether the beeping is someone on staff or not. But if a stranger comes into the building, he knows. And off he races to inform them that they'd best not try any funny stuff. Very vocally. It can be a serious disruption when he gallops past a meeting, hackles raised, growling and barking as fiercely as possible.

This over-developed sense of possession extend to the grounds of the three businesses surrounding ours. I don't mind him carrying on outside so much. I mean he is a dog. Dogs bark. And he's certainly not dangerous. I can't imagine him ever biting anyone without having been seriously abused. But I'm very concerned that one day he's going to get a boot to the face when he scares the daylights out of some poor person who's terrified of animals. (Not that it would be noticable. Pretty is not the first adjective that comes to the mind of anyone but their owner when describing a pug.) He's not big, but when he's catches you unaware, it gives the impression of being attacked by a shin-high shadow comprised predominantly of teeth. The other possibility is getting hit by a car by racing into the street to check out a stranger in the parking lot across the way. He maintains total focus when he enters intruder detection mode. He's also absolutely oblivious to any command override sequence, including being picked up and carried forcibly away from his intended target.

My dear pug-child is also a thief. He believes that anything at his eye level or lower is part of his domain and he owns it. And he can get rather indignant when he's informed this isn't so. Now this wouldn't be quite so bad except that he has a habit of extending the borders of his domain by any means possible. Jumping, climbing, and begging to be lifted into someone's lap (That failing, he assumes the person doesn't speak fluent pug and makes himself at home. Usually at the most inopportune moment, trampling the most sensitive and least protected body part available in the process.) are all tricks in his repetoire to case someone's desk for a lunchtime burglery. I now have a good-sized cardboard box in one of the empty cubicles, literally overflowing with booty stolen from around the office. (One plus is that I've never had a job where I could always find a writing implement. He's swiped so many pens, pencils, and markers that they won't all fit in the mug I use as a holder. (Another aside. Where the heck do all those pens go anyhow? I am now of the belief that the ventilation system of every office building houses a rogue pack of Kleptopugs.))

This is an animal with uncanny dexterity. This is a dog that can balance on his hind legs without support for a full twenty seconds. (I teasingly call him my "circus pug". Seriously, watch a clock for twenty seconds and see how long that is.) Saturday while I was working, I'm typing away and realize I'm hearing the familiar "click, click, click" of toenails in need of a clipping. There's only one problem with that particular noise in that particular locale; our entire office space is carpeted. So I stick my head around the cubicle wall and at the other end of the office, Sam is standing on top of Beth's desk, frozen in mid chew on a cow slipper, blinking at me. (Yes, a pair of slippers that are patterned like a cow. What else would a Bovine Prophet wear?) He rarely gives me any trouble about getting out of where he's not supposed to be, but it irks me all the same because I know that he knows he's not supposed to be there. He actually looks guilty when you catch him. As Suz has mentioned, we're doomed if he ever grows opposable thumbs.

Don't get me wrong, Sam's a great companion. He's never in a bad mood. He absolutely devoted. (Almost too much so. I really could do without him waiting outside the bathroom for me.) His behavior has improved to the point where I can leave him out in the apartment without fear of shredded sofa cushions or accidents of nature. (Although he's made a very definite statement a couple times upon my return.) When I go out for the evening, I turn on the television and my roommate Eric has confirmed that he whines for fifteen minutes or so and then settles down. (He also watches television. It's kind of eerie. He likes Bear in the Big Blue House. And never mind how I found out. Okay, okay, so I have a muppet fetish.) I also have to keep reminding myself that he won't be a year old until April. In some ways he behaves like a dog that's much older. But he's still a bundle of boundless puppy energy. And it can be exhausting. The things we'll tolerate for love, eh? Samuel J. Pug, if perchance, you are reading this, (Hell, he can turn the computer off. Why not on?) you is not a people! And start putting the CD's back in their cases when you're done.

Arghhh!

Damnit, Damnit, Damnit! Blogger just ate a post I worked on for an hour. And it was one of my better ones too. Grrrrrrr! I'll rewrite it later.

Kill The Dragon

After all that whining about getting creamed I managed to come in second place in our Mage Knight campaign with two of my pieces still standing (although rather unsteadily). The only reason I pulled it off is because I managed to kill Melissa's (friend and co-worker) nasty old dragon mage for 93 points. David (friend and boss) won with about double my point total. And although we were joking about him having better pieces, he's truly a better strategist as well. I learned a lot from watching everyone and their use of the different special abilities. Next time we do this we've decided to take turns in picking pieces to help even out the troops. Random distribution of the pieces didn't work out as evenly as we'd hoped. Live and learn.

I'm toggling on my choice of character for D&D. I'm thinking about trying a multi-class character instead of a single profession, but I need to look over the Player's Handbook more carefully to weigh out the pros and cons. The rules have changed so much it's truly a different game. There's also this feature where you can specialize in a particular school of magic. You gain extra spells, but you lose access to a particular type of magical effect like illusions or necromancy. I need to look over the spell lists carefully to figure out what school I don't mind losing for the benefit.

I never managed to catch up with Matt (romantic pursuit and non-co-worker) this weekend, but it's for the best as I'm pretty well broke until payday. (If I haven't made it clear, the Matt I'm pursuing is a different one from Melissa's Matt (friend and indirect co-worker).) I've got about cash enough for gas and bowling tomorrow. I'm going to ring him at work and see if he wants to drop by the alley. Hopefully, I'll be in relatively equal form to last week. It was really encouraging to finally see some improvement. And consistent for three games yet.

I don't have anything too deep to share today. I've been in sort of an introspective mood since Ariella (friend of a friend of an acquaintance, and a nifty young lady) put that thought in my head about not having an About Me section. I often say that I like who I am as a person, but what exactly do I like about me? How do I perceive myself versus how others perceive me? How do aspects of another person's personality affect their picture of me? Eric (roommate, friend and co-worker) and I talked about it a bit on the way over to David's but I think it raised even more questions for me than it answered. It's started me thinking about what I dislike about my myself as well. Not necessarily personality traits, but also my lifestyle, morals, values, abilities, education, and general effect on the world around me. I'm going to be a while sorting all that out, so don't expect an essay on the topic anytime soon. (Although it could be an interesting series of personal reflections.)

I really should get some sleep. I've been up all night playing various game demos. I just needed to do something mindless today since so much of my head has been occupied with the above paragraph. Maybe I'll explore this a bit more tomorrow. For now, rest well all. Have a great day.

Charmed, I'm So Sure...

We rolled up our characters for our Dungeons & Dragons campaign this evening. The third edition rules totally threw me. Things have changed so much. In some ways it's easier, in others much more complex. I do like that TSR simplified the math in some aspects, basically bigger numbers are better. However, the skill system is incredibly convoluted. While it allows you to build much fuller and realistic personas, I have no idea how I'm going to remember all the odd little bonuses the various abilties provide. If you haven't noticed, I tend to be a bit unfocused.

The truly sad part was when I created my character and ended up with a 4 in charisma. So now I have to figure out how to roleplay it. At first I figured I'd just have to be a real butthead to everyone...until I thought about some of the people I've met that have less than sparkling magnetism. Myriad possibilities await me. Horrid personal hygiene habits with halitosis that's detectable at ten feet or the neat freak. Incessant babbling (I'm pretty sure I could pull that off easily.) or someone completely apathetic about everything. A constant font of left-handed compliments or a practical joker that doesn't know when to quit. The stud boy who hits on every woman he meets with the oldest pickup lines or a bitchy old queen that hasn't been laid in about 15 years. A chronic complainer or someone so sweet they make you nauseous. The total bore or the emotional wreck. It's going to be one heck of a choice deciding.

The rest of my stats are quite good and with the new rules I have a level 1 wizard with 10 hit points. (For those unfamiliar with the game, that's all but impossible under the old system. I'm not sure ti's possible at all when I think on it.) I have a toad familiar that I've named Omar. (An inside joke that's a violation of my ethical system to explain.) 7 first level spells (that's not a typo, I mean seven) to select from. I can only cast two of those a day, but to actually have a choice. Heaven! I can hardly wait to play.

The other excitement is more letters continue to come in. Of particular note is a charming young woman Ariella. A friend of a friend of an acquaintance as she put it. It was delightful to meet someone I know nothing about. The Guys Blow section is a treat. I'm looking forward to further correspondence. (Belated Happy Birthday and yes, I'm 38.) One comment she made that gave me pause was that I'm one of the few people that doesn't have an About Me section somewhere in my pages. And she wondered what that said about me in reality. I just don't have an answer other than perhaps I'm lacking a sense of identity. I'm going to have to explore that thought more fully. (See...new perspectives from a new person. That's what the WRITE ME! experiment is all about.)

It was also great to hear from my friend Bruce. (Thanks for the support guy. I was weak-willed today, but I'm going to get back on the horse again tomorrow.) Beth dropped me a Mooowheee as well. (A cow on a rollercoaster. Just don't ask.)

Tomorrow we continue the Mage Knight campaign. (In which I'm figuring on about ten more minutes of gameplay before I'm crushed between two opposing armies. Ah well, I can watch and fetch sodas.) It's really been an enjoyable experience and I'm hoping we can do more of these campaigns in the future now that we're all familiar with the gameplay and abilities of various troops. I think I'd do better in handling my troops as well with what I learned from this session.

Sammypug is out cold. And I think it's time for me to hit the sack as well if I'm going to be functional tomorrow. (What do I think about me? Gah, I'll be reflecting on that for another half hour at least.) Have a halitosis-free day! (An elf with a charisma of four. Yeesh.)